The Lug Nut Saga

Here’s the story of what turned into an 18 hour ordeal to perform a simple tire-change on my car. Typically I make a concerted effort to keep curse words out of my family-friendly blog, but for this story, that won’t be the case. Ear-muffs…or eye-muffs. I must have interacted with at least 15 people during this escapade, and because I didn’t quite catch everyone’s name, I will simply apply names that fit their personalities.

It was about 5PM when I decided to call it quits for the workday. I followed my usual routine of seeing who was still in the office, so I could say goodbye before I left. After saying goodbye to my two remaining co-workers, I headed out to the parking lot, thinking about how I would stop at the grocery store to pick up all of the necessary ingredients to make Micheladas, my new favorite drink. As I approached the back of my car, I realized that the passenger side rear tire was completely flat. No big deal. During my 4 years of working for a car rental company, I changed many-a-tire…dozens and dozens. On some strange level, I was actually quite excited to change my tire, as I suspected it would offer a bitter-sweet taste of nostalgia. I opened my trunk, pulled out the spare, and started digging around for the jack kit.

“Shit,” I thought, “I just started this process 30 seconds ago, and already I need to refer to my owner’s manual just to find the jack kit.”

The manual was no help, as it didn’t specify where the jack kit was stowed. But, eventually I found the tools nestled in a little compartment off to the side of my trunk, and started rummaging through to find everything I needed.

Jack…check

Wrench…check

Four tools that inspired me to say, “What the fuck is that?”…check

So I set myself up with the spare leaning against the bumper, tools at my side, and I crouched down to start loosening the lug nuts.

“Uhoh, where are the lugnuts? Ahah! They must be under this metal cover that keeps them hidden from thieves, and Volkswagen owners. I guess I just have to pry this thing off using one of my little ‘what the fuck is that’ tools.”

So I start sticking the little pin tool into the holes on the metal cover and try to pry it off. Conventional wisdom would tell me not to just start poking and prying things off of my car. Unfortunately, I’m neither conventional, nor wise. Here comes Tony, a co-worker who happened to be walking by.

Tony: “Hey, you need some help?”

Clearly I was giving off the impression that I had no idea what the hell I was doing as I was shoving a little metal pin into a hole on my rim and trying to pull it off. Even a Housewife of Orange County probably knows that isn’t typically part of changing a tire.

Me: “Nah, I think I’m ok, if I can just get this little metal cover off.”
Tony: “OK, well I’ll be over in Donna’s office if you need help.”
Me: “Alright, thanks a lot, I appreciate it.”

Eventually, the metal plate was off and I was ready to loosen the lug nuts. I grabbed my wrench and started cranking away at them. Four down, one to go.

“What the fuck is that?” Certainly not the first time I had muttered that under my breath to this point.

Instead of a lug nut that resembled the four I had just loosened, there was a bolt head with a perfectly round perimeter, and jagged teeth inside, making it very apparent that I was not going to have any luck unscrewing it with my wrench. Immediately I began sifting through my “what the fuck is that” tools to see if there was something that might help me out. No such luck. At this point, Tony is walking back the other way, and to his eye, it probably looked as though I had made absolutely no progress in the ten minutes that had passed.

Tony: “You sure you don’t need any help?”
Me: “Well, have you ever seen a lug nut like this?”
Tony: “No. What the fuck is that?”
Me: “exactly. I think it’s some kind of antitheft lug nut, but I can’t find the piece I need to unscrew it.”

It should be noted that I bought this car pre-owned from a VW dealership 6 months prior, and in the conversations I had with the sales people, there was no mention of special lug nuts and tools to unscrew them.

Tony: “Yeah, you’re exactly right. That’s exactly what that is. Did you check the glove compartment and the trunk, and the middle console to see if the piece was in there?”
Me: “I did, but I suppose I should check again.”

As I went back through all of the possible hiding places in my car, Tony grabbed the tool kit and started sorting through it to see if he could find something I had overlooked. Still no luck for either of us. Tony wished me luck and went on his way.

At this point, my hands were so damn cold I couldn’t have unscrewed the lug nut even if I had the right piece. So I sat in my car, and started to dial the number for AAA. The feeling of defeat started to settle in along with the feeling to my fingers and toes.

AAA rep: “hello thank you for calling AAA, are you in a safe location?”
Me: “yes.”
AAA rep: “good, can I please have your membership number?”
Me: “sure, blah blah blah.”
AAA rep: “great, where are you located right now?”
Me: “Gladstone, NJ.”
AAA rep: “Then why are you calling the Buffalo, NY office?”
Me: “Because that’s the number on my AAA card. I’m from upstate NY.”
AAA rep: “OK, well I can’t help you.” (Big F-ing surprise.) “I’ll have to transfer you to the NJ office.”
Me: “OK, thanks.”

So I went through the situation with the NJ AAA rep, and explained that my problem had to do with an anti-theft lug nut, to make sure they would even be able to help me once they arrived. She explained that they can definitely help me, and dispatched a service truck to me, telling me that he should be there by 6:15PM. OK, no big deal, could be worse. So I go back into my office and start waiting. 6:20 rolls around…no service truck, no phone call. So I call AAA.

Me: “Hi, I called about an hour ago and was told there would be a service person here no later than 6:15, but he’s not here and I haven’t heard anything.”
AAA rep: “Where are you located?”
Me: “Gladstone, NJ.”
AAA rep: “Then why are you calling the Buffalo, NY branch?”

Oh for fuck’s sake!!!

They transfer me to the NJ branch.

Me: “Hi, I called about an hour ago and was told there would be a service person here no later than 6:15, but he’s not here and I haven’t heard anything.”
AAA rep: “ok let me check….yeah, the driver indicated that he’s running behind and should be to you by 6:45.”
Me: “OK. Thanks.”

So I wait until 6:50……..nothing. I call again.

AAA rep: “Hello, thank you for calling AAA, are you in a safe location?”
Me: “Yeah yeah yeah, can you please just transfer me to the NJ branch?”

Transferred…

Me: “Hi, I called a couple of times about getting a service person here, and there’s still nobody here. Can you check with the driver to see where he is?”
Candy (this AAA rep gets a name, and she sounded like a “Candy”): “Oh sure, honey, give me one sec.”

On hold….

Candy: “Hi Mr. du…du……Mr. Ethan (“Dubow” was clearly too difficult to tackle), the driver says he is on-site and looking for you.”
Me: “That’s interesting, it’s completely dark outside, my car is the only one left in the lot, and I haven’t seen any headlights.”
Candy: “Well, he should be pulling up any minute. And he said they’ve been trying to call you so to stay off your cell phone.”

It should be noted that I hadn’t missed a single call to my phone.

Me: “OK, thanks.”

Another 15 minutes go by, and unless she meant he was pulling up from the Buffalo, NY branch (which certainly wouldn’t have surprised me), somebody was mistaken.”

AAA rep: “Hi, thank…”
Me: “can you please transfer me to the NJ branch?”
AAA rep: “Oh my goodness are you still not getting through to anyone over there?”

A clear indication I’ve called enough to speak with the same reps twice or more.

Me: “No, I’m getting through, I’m just not finding any kind of competence or intelligence once I get there.”
AAA rep: “Oh I’m sorry, I wish there was more I could do to help, but I’m in Buffalo, NY.”

I know where you are, lady.

Transferred…

Candy (yes, Candy…again): “Hi, thanks for calling AAA, this is Candy…”
Me: “Hi Candy, we just spoke. You informed me that the driver would be pulling up any minute. He’s not here.”

Did she literally mean he could pull up ANY minute? Like, if he pulled up 173 minutes after she and I hung up, that would technically qualify?

Candy: “Oh he’s not there?”
Me: “no, Candy, he’s not here.”

You seem nice, Candy, but if he was here, I wouldn’t have called back to chat.

Candy: “OK, let me call my dispatch supervisor to get a hold of their driver.”

On hold….On hold…..On hold……

Candy: “Hello Mr…..Mr. Ethan? I have Billy on the line to help….hello? Hello? Billy I think he just hung up.”
Me: “No, Candy, I’m still here.”
Candy: “Oh my goodness, what the heck just happened?”

Nothing, Candy, nothing at all happened!! Why do you think something happened?!

Billy: “Hello Mr. Dubow (finally someone who could put a series of 5 consonants and vowels together to form a word), this is Billy, and I have just been in touch with the towing company’s dispatch person. You’re located in the parking lot through the third entrance on the right hand side, off of Old Chester Road, correct?”

You’ve got to be shitting me! I had explained to literally 4 different AAA reps that it was the third entrance on the right, off of St. Bernard’s Road, if you’re coming from Old Chester Road!

Me: “No, Billy, that’s not correct.”

I re-explained the directions.

Billy: “OK, Let me get back on with the driver and explain it.”

It should be noted that 45 minutes have now passed since the driver reported that he was on-sight. Still no missed calls to my phone. I’m beginning to get a bit frustrated.

Billy: “OK, I explained it to the driver again, and he will be pulling up any second.”

In retrospect, I should have realized that in AAA language, “any second” is actually more vague than “any minute.” But, I said “thanks” and hung up.

15 more minutes, and no service truck, no phone call. At this point I had gotten the direct number to the NJ AAA branch, because if I was confident about anything, it was that I would definitely be on the phone with them again.

AAA rep: “Hello, th…”
Me: “Can you please transfer me to Billy?”
AAA rep: “Uhhh, ok.”


Billy: “Hello, this is Billy.”
Me: “Billy, you’re a goddamn Liar!”

That’s not actually what I said.

Me: “Billy, I’ve been told several times that a driver would be pulling up any second over the past hour, and nobody is here.”

Billy: “Mr. Dunbon?”
Ohhhhhh, young Billy, I had so much hope for you up until now.

Me: “Yes, and I’m not hanging up this time until the guy pulls up.”
Billy: “OK, but I’ll have to put you on hold while we work on it because I’m the only supervisor and I need to keep this line open. Or I can transfer you to Ralph and you can dictate a formal complaint that he will write up and send to your group in Buffalo, NY.”

Oh dear God! Not the Buffalo group again!

Me: “No thanks, I’ll just hold.”

After a few minutes of being on hold, the dispatch lady from the tow company called my phone.

Me: “Hello?”
Angry Devil Woman: “Yeah, this is DiFalco’s towing! Where are you?”
Me: “uhhh, I’m in exactly the same place I’ve been for the last two and a half hours.”
Angry Devil Woman: “Listen, do yourself a favor and DON’T GET NASTY!!!! If you’ve been sitting there for the last two and a half hours, you should have changed the tire yourself!!!”
Me: “I would have, if it didn’t have an antitheft lug nut on it.”
Angry Devil Woman: “What?!?! If it’s got an antitheft lug nut on it, we probably won’t be able to help you anyway!”
Me: “great, well can you please help your driver find me since he’s been on-sight for an hour and a half anyway?”
Angry Devil Woman: “You’re at the third entrance on the right off of Old Chester Road, right?”
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!
Me: “No. If he’s coming from Old Chester Road, I’m at the third entrance off of St. Bernard’s Road.”
Angry Devil Woman: “Fucking AAA!!! They gave us the wrong directions!!!”

OK, Angry Devil Woman, please stop being so angry.

About 10 minutes later, the driver pulls up. Who jumps out of the truck, but a kid, couldn’t have been more than 18 or 19 years old, with a big fat wad of tobacco in his cheek.

Chuck: “what’s the problem?”

You mean besides the fact that the total combined IQ of all the people I’ve spoken with tonight is hovering around 70?

Me: “I have a flat tire and there’s an antitheft lug nut on my wheel, so I can’t get it off.”
Chuck: “If there’s an antitheft lug nut on your wheel, there’s nothing I can do
Me: “Are you serious?”
Chuck: “(with tobacco spit trickling down his chin) Yup.”
After humoring me and trying to use his vice grips to loosen the lug nut, and searching through my jack kit for the missing piece, off went Chuck to wander, no doubt, through another neighborhood, pretending to be “on-sight” and sucking on a fresh hunk of tobacci leaves.

So…After several hours of waiting, about a dozen phone calls to AAA, and conversing with 15 of the worlds least competent people, I was exactly where I started….Standing in the cold dark, with a car that couldn’t be driven.

I called the dealership the next morning and ended up speaking with a woman who was not only friendly, but helpful and sympathetic as well. Within two hours, she had a driver from the dealership out to my location, ready to help change my tire and solve the antitheft lug nut problem. He shows up with a bin full of 25 different attachments, any of which could be the one that fit my lug nut. As he’s picking around in my jack kit to get the rest of the tools he needed, he felt something tucked away in a hidden pocket.

VW guy: “hmmm, what’s this?”

Me: “don’t even tell me….”

VW guy: “Holy shit, this is it!”

Me: “You’ve got to be shitting me!”

VW guy: “I work for VW and I didn’t even know where it was kept!”

So who do I get mad at? AAA? Angry Devil Woman? Chuck? Myself? Volkswagen?

At least I know my tires won’t ever be stolen.

Once on the spare, I took my car to the tire shop to have the flat either repaired or replaced.

Good news! The tire could be repaired and I didn’t have to buy a new one!!!!

But…the front tire had a bubble in the sidewall and would have to be replaced.

Tonight, I’m going home and drinking muchos Micheladas.